A few days or weeks before a wedding, many guests find themselves wondering what is appropriate to wear to such an event. In fact, even for the couple and their families, long before the wedding, whilst the planning is still underway, issues may crop up that aren’t entirely clear. The question then is: what does wedding etiquette dictate?.
Let’s take a look at some common and less common questions regarding wedding etiquette.
What to wear on the big day: the basic rules of wedding etiquette regarding attire
The invitation gives a lot away
The invitation is certainly important here too – you must read it carefully! It’s often the case that the couple specify what they’d like us to wear. Not in specific terms, of course, but there are still some pointers as to what’s appropriate. We should always make sure we adhere to the couple’s requests regarding attire!
Let’s not be too provocative
We’re not going to a party – although, in the end, that’s what most weddings actually turn into – but regardless, let’s not wear our most low-cut, flashiest, sequinned dress for this occasion!
When attending a church service, make sure your shoulders are always covered; even if it’s 40 degrees, take a jacket, jumper or light scarf with you.
Black, white and red – NO!
According to wedding etiquette, it is not appropriate to wear any of these colours. Black is for funerals, white is the bride’s colour, and red is simply too provocative!
Wedding etiquette: who pays for what?
It’s certainly true that a wedding isn’t just about the happy moments! It also involves a lot of organisation and financial discussions.
Ideal cases
- The couple already have an income and have saved up some money, so they are only asking their parents for a small sum. The boy’s and girl’s parents are helping as much as they can – there’s no equality!
- The couple have little or no savings. In such cases, the responsibility falls on their parents. In most cases, the two families try to split the costs equally, but of course they do not always manage to reach an agreement.
How was it in the old days?
If no agreement can be reached on the costs – for example, if one of the families is willing to contribute much less – then it is worth looking to tradition. Let’s see what the responsibilities of the bride’s and groom’s families used to be, according to wedding etiquette:
The bride’s family:
– wedding dress
– floral decoration
– bouquets for bridesmaids
– a bouquet to say hello to Grandma
– ceremony
– invitations
The groom’s family:
– engagement lunch
– room hire
– catering
– photographer
– wedding cake
– welcome gifts
– music
Which is better: paying for everything ourselves, or having our parents cover the costs?
There’s no right answer to that!
Many people cannot afford to contribute financially to their children’s weddings, even if they would like to. Others, however, consider it essential – and are in a position to do so – to cover every aspect of their children’s weddings, from A to Z, regardless of how old they are.
Couples may also have different attitudes, ages and financial circumstances, so one must not generalise under any circumstances!
However, can we set out what the advantages are if we pay, and what they are if our parents pay?
We’ll pay for everything
Advantages: independence; no one can tell you what the food, music, decorations, etc. should be like.
Drawbacks: you have to spend a lot of money on the wedding
The parents are covering the costs of the wedding
Advantages: you don’t have to spend a lot of money
Drawbacks: everyone will have a say in the organisation, and the programme won’t turn out the way we’d like it to
Everyone should decide for themselves how they can or want to pay for their wedding, taking into account their budget and the pros and cons listed above!
Organising a wedding costs a lot of money, but exactly how much? Click on the link to read our article entitled „How much does a wedding cost?” and find out!
Who should be invited, and how?
The number of guests mainly affects the dinner. At a church wedding, a large number of people are always invited to the ceremony and the reception, but the dinner guests are carefully selected.
There are two reasons for this. One is that the cost of a dinner is around 8,000–12,000 Ft per person, so obviously it makes a difference whether 80 or 150 people come for dinner. The other is that there is a certain amount of space available, which can be managed; there are venues that simply cannot accommodate 150, 200 or even 300 people.
How should we sort our rubbish?
Let’s start with the fact that there are definitely two of us 🙂 Then let’s go through the list one by one, starting with our immediate family and our closest friends. Next, let’s expand the list to include more distant relatives, friends, colleagues, and so on. We’ll see that we’ll soon reach a number where either the venue will be full or our wallet will be empty! If that doesn’t happen, then we’ll have to think about which of our more distant acquaintances to invite!
Who shall we invite?
Many people would disagree with this statement, but nobody is obliged to attend, and etiquette doesn’t dictate exactly who should be at a wedding! The couple should invite whoever they want. Ideally, it goes without saying that family and best friends will be there! Do you need anything more than that? There’s no need to invite Aunt Marika from next door just because our grandmother is on good terms with her and we once accompanied her to the shop!
Invitation
The invitation is the couple’s way of sharing the happy news, whilst the guests are informed that they have been invited. A well-written invitation also makes it clear straight away whether we are invited to the whole event or, for example, just to the ceremony.
As mentioned earlier, many people do it this way (and quite rightly so, as wedding etiquette dictates exactly that): they invite their wider circle of friends to the ceremony and the reception, but not to the dinner.
At dinner, let’s surround ourselves with people who really matter to us
How should guests be seated in accordance with the rules of etiquette?
We’ll just touch on this very briefly here. Detailed information and planting plan software are available in another article of ours – just click on the link!
More tips on drawing up a wedding seating plan
The most important thing is to form groups of guests and seat them accordingly! For example, there should be tables named after groups of friends.
In accordance with the traditional seating arrangement, the following rules apply to the couple’s table:
-The couple are sitting next to each other
-The spouses do not sit next to each other (e.g. the groom’s father sits next to the bride, and her own mother sits next to him)
-The witnesses are also seated at the couple’s table
Special requirements at a wedding
It’s up to the couple to find out who has any food or drink allergies. It’s terribly awkward if we weren’t aware of this and our poor guest couldn’t eat a thing all evening! Tip: draw up a questionnaire to gauge these requirements amongst your guests.
Tip: Prepare dishes that most people tend to like. You can’t really go wrong with these, and the added bonus is that children are familiar with them too, so they’re likely to eat them more readily!
Always include a meat-free option! There is a growing demand for this. As well as vegetarian dishes, it’s worth considering a vegan menu too; more and more people are choosing this dietary approach, so let’s cater for them as well!
What is and isn’t appropriate at a wedding? Wedding etiquette for guests, witnesses and the couple
The question of the gift
Is the gift the guests’ main concern? No! It’s much more the couple’s concern. It’s up to them to make it clear to their guests what they’d like!
How does the couple let us know what they’d like to receive?
Option one: they tell the wedding planner what they would like, and include a note on the invitations asking guests to contact the planner. Guests must get in touch with the planner.
Secondly: a popular approach these days is to create a website, with one of its tabs listing what we would like. The invitation includes the website’s web address.
Option three: a less elegant solution. The couple simply write their wishes on the invitation! Of course, this only works if they’re asking for financial support. You can’t, for example, list 100 kitchen utensils on the invitation that would come in handy for the household.
Responding
Wedding etiquette does not apply only to the day itself; it is in force even before then. One such matter of etiquette is how to reply to a wedding invitation
You must always, always reply to an invitation in good time! It’s very important for the couple to know how many guests they can expect on their big day!
Extra person
We should only bring along a stranger who hasn’t been invited to the event if we’ve discussed it with the couple beforehand and they’ve agreed, or if the invitation specifically states that we’re welcome to bring one extra guest.
A brief message of congratulations
Congratulations after the ceremony should really just be congratulations! We’ll have a chat with the couple later! Bear in mind that there are still around 80–200 people behind us who’d also like to offer their congratulations, and there’s a wedding schedule that the couple would like to stick to!
Introduction
Unless we’re going to the wedding of someone we know well, there’s a good chance we’ll hardly know anyone apart from the couple. Regardless, we’ll be sitting next to them during dinner! Always introduce yourself if you don’t know any of your table neighbours!
It is only right to comply with the requests of the wedding planner and the best man
They are responsible for ensuring that the couple’s big day proceeds at the pace they have planned. So we could say that what they ask for is what the couple want! If their wish happens to be for us to take part in a game that seems a bit silly at first glance, then let’s go along with it!
Let’s not get carried away!
Let’s not just slip away without saying goodbye! It’s only right to say goodbye to the party, even if we’re really keen to get going! Let’s thank them for the invitation and tell them how lovely it was to be with them on this important day!
How should a witness behave at a wedding?
A witness is never late; they know the schedule for the wedding, take an active part in the games and activities, and, if needed, lend a hand to the couple, the best man or the wedding planner! Let’s bear these things in mind when we attend a wedding as a witness!
Be careful!
This isn’t our party! Let’s not ruin the couple’s big day by drinking too much and, as a result, behaving strangely or perhaps causing damage to something or someone!
The couple can also be expected to keep eating as long as it makes sense! It’s good to remember this day!
What is appropriate and what is not during a church service?
Accuracy is a virtue
At other times too, but especially at times like this! Let’s not be late for the service! It’s really embarrassing to sneak in through the creaking church door five minutes late and have to fight our way to a spot where we can actually see anything.
Let’s save our private lives for another time with our girlfriend!
Let’s not chat during the ceremony! Nobody’s at home to listen to your stories; they’re here to see the ceremony and meet the couple!
Let’s not play at being photographers today
Let’s leave taking photos in the church to the photographer who’s been commissioned to do so. If someone waves a mobile phone in front of him, it will distract him from his work!
Please put your phones on silent in your bags!
Let’s not disrupt the ceremony by letting our phones ring! It’s extremely rude!
Further information on church and civil weddings can be found in another article of ours, which you can access by clicking on the link:
